Saturday, February 16, 2013

On most days this is how I feel. Peaking out to see if it's safe to proceed forward. On most days I am afraid when the phone rings. If it rings during the night I awake with a fear nothing can ease. It unnerves me to the end and I can not go back to sleep. When I am at work and my cell rings, my heart stops beating. Are all these things a normal process of death and dying? I suppose that some people don't really care about this part of life and chalk it up to life in general. Everyone of us is going to die at some point. How and where is unknown.

The other night I was listening to the radio on the way home from work and the host on the radio was talking about how he left that morning and kissed his wife goodbye. He never thought he would not see her again. But it was just that thought that crossed his mind. What if? What if you left your home this morning on your way to do whatever, and you never saw your loved ones again? What would you do differently this morning? Would you spend more time making breakfast for them? Kiss, hug and tell them you loved them like it was the last time you would ever see them?

The point is it's not about what you would miss, its about how they would miss you. You would be gone forever. They would have to stand by and carry on. Would you want the last memory of you to be arguing with your kids at the school drop off? Nagging at your husband/wife about a chore that was not done properly? Complaining about your lack of money to buy a very unneeded object? I think we are all guilty of all those things. It is impossible to live every day like it is your last on earth. But I think we can do better. Life is precious. Don't wait until you are dying to express how you feel. And don't take life for granted thinking you have one more day to do all those things and make things right. You may never get the chance. Make things right now. Going to your grave without sharing your true feelings will leave your loved ones always wondering.


ferne said...

This really makes me think...thanks for sharing!

Brighid said...

The very hardest thing for me this last year has been learning to forgive them for not considering those they left behind. Not me so much, as the children.
Life is to be lived, and I cannot live it in fear.

CanadianGardenJoy said...

Cindee girl I am so sorry yo are in such emotional pain so much of the time .. the ringing phone that unnerves you .. you sound so exhausted. In this whole process please do NOT forget to take care of yourself .. we forget our own needs when such a terrible process is happening. You have to remember how much your family needs YOU too!
I have thought of these things especially when the boys are on the road driving .. I worry all the time when they are and my DIL who is so busy all the time.
But .. it would drive me over the edge if I don't back it off at some point.
Cindee .. take CARE of yourself!TOO!

My Little Family: said...

So sorry to hear you are struggling and your words to remember we never know when we will last see someone are good. My Daisey was up on the bed with me one minute and 10 minutes later was laying on the patio not breathing. If I had known I would have cuddled her all the way up to the last 10.

CiNdEe said...

Thanks everyone. I am doing better this week. I turned off my phone. I decided if it was an emergency then they could call my husband. It helped me a lot. I will continue to do that. I turned off the ringer on my house phone too.
I made it all week without a crying episode.(-: So I am doing better. I was losing touch with what was important.

My Little Family,
I am so sorry about Daisey. That makes me sad.)-: I know she had a great life though with you. It sounds like she did not suffer which is all we can hope for. It keeps me going just to have Jack here with me. I can't imagine my life without him.